G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I didn't understand what was happening on the screen during the first 30 minutes, and in the next 30 minutes, I consoled myself with the hope that it was a parody of action blockbusters, and only after about an hour did I come to the conclusion that it is truly stupid and it won't get any better. Of course, I didn't expect any intellectual masterpiece from Sommers, but this time his action-packed digital mess reached its peak when the director completely gave up on any logic, story, or movie characters. It's like whistles, explosions, crashes, and bangs, you just have to ignore the comic speech bubbles. Occasionally, a sentence or a shout comes into it, which usually doesn't make much sense in the context of the image. It's an incredibly childish film, but it can't be considered a fairy tale, as it's more like a movie according to the imagination of a 9-year-old boy who peeks over his parents' shoulders in the evening while they watch an action movie for adults. At the same time, it's a full-length advertisement for an unnamed toy manufacturer that ruins the budgets of children's parents around the world. There are other men in plastic suits, flying machines from the next century, cutting-edge technology, and beautiful women, but it's incredibly stupid, even though it's filmed at such a frenetic pace that you sometimes realize the stupidity later. Basically, any rating is possible, but I'm annoyed by the gigantic budget that could have been used to make twenty other films that would make sense. If I were ten, I would give it 4 stars, at twelve, 3, at fourteen, 2, at sixteen, 1, and after the age of 18, I would have to doubt my sanity if I didn't send this nonsense where it belongs. Overall impression: 10% for the special effects. (12/21/2009)

The find of the year for those who love “so bad that it’s genius" bullshit. A movie where the list of all mistakes and illogicalities takes up more room than the entire screenplay. And the heavy-duty guilty pleasure is enhanced by the absolutely crazy Czech dubbing. A universe where ninety-nine percent of twenty equals nineteen, where we find the Silver Surfer (in fact two of them) prancing around, where people can eject from airplanes only by speaking Celtic, where little bastards a racing around under the ice cap and where the precise time and place of incidence is determined according to height a darkness of shadow... Well, who wouldn’t love a work of art like that? Not to speak of soap opera relationships that would have blind Esmeralda’s eyeballs drop out of their sockets. And if they had added the line “Duke, I am your father!", then I would have awarded this a full five stars. P.S.: And the not so hidden Pilsner Urquell product placement was also nice to see. (08/06/2009)

I watched it in 3 hours or so with all "stop" and "play". So I wasn't that bored. Still, I was tempted to fast-forward some of the fight scenes. Unnecessarily long running time, I'm sure it could have been done better in 80 minutes. It's very nice that they all knew each other, had a tragic past, and something in common. Such bullshit. It's watchable, but you better not turn your brain on. So if you want to turn it off, and turn it off hard, put this on. (10/17/2009)

Chaning Tatum is one of the busiest young actors currently filming. "G. I. Joe" is definitely not the best thing he has ever filmed, but it is a movie that can satisfy a viewer who is not looking for a demanding action film, but is satisfied with positive characters, tough guys, a few good lines, which are definitely present here, and finally one or more villains, which you certainly won't confuse with the positive hero. "G. I. Joe" has the advantage that a considerable amount of money was invested in it, which can be seen in the effects, which is also the only thing where the money is visible. And there really wasn't a small amount of money. 175 million dollars is a decent budget. The estimated budget for "Avengers" is around 220 million dollars, which is not that much more. What the money is not visible on is the story and especially some dialogues. It's like we are really in a very bad B-movie action film, because some of the nonsense that the characters have is truly unbelievable. But if you don't think about it and let yourself be drawn into the strange revelation of the villain, you're in for some average entertainment. More: http://www.filmovy-denik.cz/2012/05/kocour-v-botach-jedna-hodne-blba-svatba.html (02/19/2013)

Exactly as expected. I wouldn't bother with a one-star-rating essay about how bollocks it is, even a small child knows it's bollocks. So I don't see a reason not to fully enjoy it knowingly. The action is unprecedented and cleverly filmed , with well-executed various technical gimmicks and other trifles. The acceleration suits are really cool. Above all, please don't look for something that isn't there, get some quality speakers, a big-screen TV, and let's go. (11/29/2009)