Jupiter Ascending

I was sort of hoping that the Wachowskis wouldn’t pour 200 million dollars into a black hole and so I’ve been ignoring the reviews around here before I watched the movie myself. I played it with excitement and within a few minutes, I got into a phase where I would have probably immediately turned it off if it weren’t for the beautiful space shots and effects, because the story is totally out of it. At first, the very first shootout reminded me of Star Wars, then the space scenes moved more towards Star Trek and then Channing Tatum popped onto the screen to explain that he’s a werewolf from outer space. It really couldn’t have been any dumber and I’ve never seen a more idiotic movie with such a high budget. (06/19/2015)

This is bad, bad. The story is so stupid and without ideas... Lana and Andy just played that it will all look great, which it does, but it didn't impress me. Their "Matrix" was full of thoughts, sometimes so much that one got lost in it and it didn't work the best, but in this case it's just too empty and without any good idea. Yes, there is mythology created here, but what is happening here is simply too much of nothing. And Mila Kunis has a really annoying character here. (04/23/2015)

A film where, due to a completely dysfunctional narrative continuity, we often don't even know what awaits us in the next minute (which could be a big plus), but due to a catastrophically overstuffed and unbalanced script, bland characters and a chaotic depiction of everything from the setting to the motivations, we end up not caring about it. It’s hard to imagine a greater travesty that Hollywood, as a purveyor of expensive non-art entertainment with infinite expressive possibilities, from the visual to the aural, has ever produced or will. 20% (09/12/2015)

Sometimes it's sad to see how a perfect-looking blockbuster can crumble into smaller and smaller pieces with each scene. What starts with the absurd scenes with the Russian family the script calmly continues with random scenes without no explanation of bizarre names, theories, and memories, and it absolutely triumphantly concludes with Eddie Redmayne in a perfectly annoying acting role in front of a pre-embalmed corpse that cannot produce a single comprehensible sentence. Lana and Lilly Wachowski should be glad that Channing Tatum smoothly switched to air skating, because without his aerial antics in the final fiery inferno, the rating would unquestionably drop into even more terrifying places. (02/05/2015)

Oh, dear Lord, that was awful. My expectations were ultra low, but this outdid them all. It's basically the most miserable variation on a harlequin Shrek: everyone wants the princess, but true love awaits in the form of a muscular dog from a dingy alley who is to take her to them (which is actually fitting for a toilet cleaner), and she finds out over time (pretty quickly, actually) that there’s less than 100 people in the glittering can and that she's totally horny. The script is from the realm of the most hellish fantasies you can have, and I don't buy at all that this duo could ever create something like the legendary Matrix. The actors clearly suffer when they have to chew through ultimate lines like: "You don't understand what that means but... I have more in common with a dog than I have with you." - "I love dogs. I've always loved dogs." And I suffered with them, writhing on the floor in pain, I was begging and pleading! Even if I had a room all pink, saved all my teen magazines from my adolescent years, and was considering lip surgery, I still couldn't have swallowed this "romance" without assistive devices. If I turned the sound off, I'd get the impression that it was a sort of bombastic, action-packed fashion arena for Mila Kunis, if you can endure watching her sour face. I'm going to reboot my brain, douse myself in liquid oxygen and goodbye, hopefully forever. (03/01/2020)