Necrotongue

Well, the idea wasn't half bad, and initially, I had a decent time with Robinson and his trusty robot bartender. But then the mummy woke up, and the whole movie took a wrong turn. The most frustrating part was how painfully predictable the story became. The screenwriter didn't hesitate for a moment, checking off all the clichés I expected without offering a single interesting twist to shake things up. Despite the sizable cast, only Michael Sheen managed to win me over. Arthur was perfect, adding some much-needed charm. However, the romantic couple failed to hold my interest, and Morpheus's decay was convincing but too fast. It felt like a wasted opportunity with all the promising material at hand. I can only assume the cleaning bots initiated their self-destruct sequence the moment they detected the mess on the main promenade. / Lesson learned: If you're planning to colonize a distant planet, pack a book or two, just in case. 3*-

The film didn't exactly break new ground in terms of originality, but it delivered the expected spectacle for my inner sadist and a skilled former MI5 agent turned interrogation specialist. Recently, I watched Squid Game and now, coming across this older piece, I'm slowly realizing that if I suddenly became wealthy, I'd need to construct some sort of gaming room or arena. Contestants would be eliminated in various entertaining ways to maintain a certain level of excitement. According to what the filmmakers presented, horse racing, tennis, and similar sports seem to be outdated. If these disciplines were included in the Olympics, sports federations worldwide could save a considerable amount on return flights. In the movie, I was particularly intrigued by Amy's portrayal. Marina Ann Hantzis, whom I've seen in several films outside her usual realm, always left me with the same impression as the film's budget - lacking. This time, her performance was slightly above average, showing some progress. However, the character's unbelievable fate caught me off guard, as she was recognized in her field precisely for her ability to function with reduced access to oxygen. Despite this, I'll slightly overrate the film today because I'm feeling generous. It still nags at me how unfair it is that no one has offered me ten thousand dollars just to eat a steak yet. / Lesson learned: Forget an eye for an eye. Here, it's an eye for money, a tooth for money, internal organs for money. 4*-

When I was preparing for this film on Wednesday, I had no idea that it would be so relevant. I certainly didn't expect to be so satisfied with a Czech film for the second time in a very short period. However, this movie provided such a perfect insight into Czech nature that I couldn't help but enjoy it. The creators managed to achieve a perfect combination of sad comedy and drama, all complemented by a perfect period atmosphere. As a result, it was a delightful treat for me. The actors were also outstanding and delivered fantastic performances, so I could be proud of Czech film for the second time this week. I rarely have this feeling, but as you can see, I don't have to fall into depression just yet :-) I'm glad that the truth about clothes making the man was confirmed again because Petr Kraus (Pavel Neškudla) perfectly embodied his role, and Antonín (Tomáš Jeřábek) was helped by his brown shirt to deliver a great performance. It's hard to say if even Julius Fučík could resist them. Well, if Mistakes and Occupation are a sign of better times for Czech film production, I will be filled with joy. However, my enthusiasm is strongly hindered by the fact that I am a realist, so I suspect that unpleasant experiences await me in the future. Nevertheless, I wish myself, other viewers, and especially Czech creators good luck. / Lesson: If you feel injustice from the government, become a resistor.

It's been a while since I last saw a film about stylish dining. These movies often showcase the trials faced by both the staff and the guests. I like to put restaurant guests into three distinct categories. First, there are those who come for a good meal — either because they lack quality food at home and live off ready-made meals, or simply to indulge without the hassle of cooking. They tend to be grateful and polite, appreciating the experience. Then, there's the second group — the self-centered idiots who use the restaurant as a stage to boost their ego. For them, the food is secondary; it's more about asserting their authority over staff and sometimes even the kitchen, turning their dining experience into a power trip. Lastly, we have the type who seem to be allergic to everything and treat dining out like an extreme sport akin to Russian roulette. Every ingredient is scrutinized, every dish a potential hazard. Surprisingly, the creators of this film seemed to share a similar perspective. They covered all these dynamics, but the central focus of the chaos remained squarely on that creep in the kitchen, before whom they had to hide even the flour and powdered sugar. While single-shot films can be impressive, both myself and the union of film editors have our own opinions about them. / Lesson learned: It's best to dine at home, where at least you know who's spitting in your food.

Well, take me to the sun and put a curl in my hair! I finally came across a Czech film that I could rate with full enthusiasm, without having to squint. Although... nobody would know it from me:-) And what emotions it brought up in me! "What will people say about that?" That's a sentence that immediately sends my blood pressure monitors into the red zone. You see, for most of my adult life, my public opinion has been stuck in the rear end; let everyone think whatever they want, the only one who truly knows me is myself. And sometimes I even doubt that. I notice that the vast majority of people are very eager to judge the actions of others; I may be irreligious, but I fully agree with the biblical wisdom about the speck and the plank. Wow, this movie really got me worked up. That's a clear positive point for its creators. The only thing I didn't understand is the reason to forgive an alcoholic, a violent person, and a deceitful schemer all in one. They say love is blind. Well, I would say it's also deaf, without a sense of smell, touch, or taste. Anyway, whoever wants to go somewhere is already there. Pavla Gajdošíková was fantastic, though, and I can finally cheerfully praise a Czech film without feeling guilty. Awesome. / Lesson: Clear your internet browser history.

I'm a fan of comedies and I've got a soft spot for Kristen Wiig, so this movie seemed like it should hit all the right notes for me. Turns out, it fell flat. When the credits finally rolled, I realized something was missing — I hadn't had a proper laugh throughout. Sure, there were a few moments that brought a smile to my face, and I can't say I was bored (that would've been a challenge in that chaotic whirlwind), but it just didn't deliver the experience I was expecting. What's more, the creators seemed determined to make Kristen Wiig appear unattractive, and while they achieved that to some extent, at times it felt like an uphill battle. Which I guess is a good thing. Whether it was my mood or simply not being the target audience for this film, it didn't quite hit the mark for me. / Lesson learned: If you're going on vacation, pack some culottes.

The return to Belogorie was much better than the first film. It felt like the humor was less idiotic this time around. Plus, I couldn't help but notice the shortage of arable land in Moscow. Finist gave off strong Lord Flashheart vibes from Blackadder. In both installments, we got to see Baba Yaga and Koschey the Deathless as positive characters, which threw me for a loop, but hey, when you're facing off against a morally decayed Ent, any help is welcome. The quality seemed to take a noticeable step up here. Koblížek was much funnier than Vodyanoy, and Vasilisa's fondness for her lipstick was just adorable. / Lesson learned: If you're dealing with a housing problem, just give two houses their privacy and you're all set!

I was expecting a fantasy film, but what I got felt more like a fairy tale crossed with overly simple comedy. The unmistakable influence of Disney was a bit too glaring, and the non-Russian soundtrack kept pulling me out of the story. But hey, what am I to do? Ivan was just the right amount of dumb, Koschey was convincingly Deathless, Vasilisa was charmingly decorative, Baba Yaga was appropriately grumpy, and the water spirit felt like a good replacement for Jar Jar Binks. I won't lie, I did find some enjoyment in the film. It's just that at times, I felt like the humor was being pushed a bit too hard. I would've appreciated a stronger Russian influence and a little less "Shrek-ness." / Lesson learned: When someone offers you a helping hand, try not to scream. 3*+

Well, I have to say, I had higher hopes for this film. Some might argue that Shiva and humor don't mix, but I beg to differ. From personal experience, I know that even funerals can unexpectedly provide fertile ground for humor. Plus, Jewish culture is rich in great, often dark, humor that really hits the spot for me. In my view, the creators missed a golden opportunity here. While there were certainly moments that brought a smile to my face, the overall tone leaned heavily towards drama, and the plot lost its momentum along the way. It's a real shame because I was ready to bump up my rating, but sometimes, filmmakers shouldn't take themselves so seriously and should embrace a lighter touch. / Lesson learned: If you are bi, you're lucky. You have double the chances.

Whenever I hear the names Hansel and Gretel, I immediately think of two kids with a penchant for unconventional architecture. This time, the title hinted at something bigger, and it delivered. Instead of the future sponsors of dentistry, we got a story about serial killers targeting lonely elderly women. But they weren't using methods from the times of the Brothers Grimm; no, they had an arsenal that even John Rambo or the Terminator wouldn't shy away from. For me, it was a funny, action-packed movie that charmingly juggled with human anatomy and didn't pretend to be anything else. It simply entertained viewers on the same wavelength. Clearly, I was on that wavelength for the second time, so I had a blast. Plus, I had an aesthetic experience courtesy of Gemma Arterton. / Lesson learned: If you're a witch hunter, real life might not be a walk in the park. 4*+