Jupiter Ascending

Sometimes it's sad to see how a perfect-looking blockbuster can crumble into smaller and smaller pieces with each scene. What starts with the absurd scenes with the Russian family the script calmly continues with random scenes without no explanation of bizarre names, theories, and memories, and it absolutely triumphantly concludes with Eddie Redmayne in a perfectly annoying acting role in front of a pre-embalmed corpse that cannot produce a single comprehensible sentence. Lana and Lilly Wachowski should be glad that Channing Tatum smoothly switched to air skating, because without his aerial antics in the final fiery inferno, the rating would unquestionably drop into even more terrifying places. (02/05/2015)

A fairy tale about how silly Honza saves a passive princess, shot from the princess's point of view. The things that are perceived as negatives here are what I enjoyed most about Jupiter Ascending. First and foremost are the erratic plot dynamics, which, while defying any precepts about how to build, structure, and develop a story, nevertheless make the development of the entire adventure quite unpredictable. They say it lacks humor. How can anyone say that about a film where in one scene we are told that the protagonist hasn't been stung by a bee in her entire life because she’s royalty, which bees can always tell, and in the next scene we’re told that Channing Tatum is the result of a cross between a wolf and a human who had his synthetic angel wings taken away as punishment? Rather, what I see behind the critical and financial debacle of Jupiter Ascending (besides being sunk by Warner’s lack of promotion and ill-timed theatrical release) is a situation where all media space has been filled with established sci-fi franchises from Star Trek to Marvel to Star Wars, and the auteur's (sic cheesy and semi-retarded) vision of an original space opera could not compete in this space with the established brands, their mammoth marketing, and the full-tilt industry accompanying it. (03/10/2021)

I was sort of hoping that the Wachowskis wouldn’t pour 200 million dollars into a black hole and so I’ve been ignoring the reviews around here before I watched the movie myself. I played it with excitement and within a few minutes, I got into a phase where I would have probably immediately turned it off if it weren’t for the beautiful space shots and effects, because the story is totally out of it. At first, the very first shootout reminded me of Star Wars, then the space scenes moved more towards Star Trek and then Channing Tatum popped onto the screen to explain that he’s a werewolf from outer space. It really couldn’t have been any dumber and I’ve never seen a more idiotic movie with such a high budget. (06/19/2015)

For me, probably the guilty pleasure of the year. The film is aesthetically unattractive, with a leading villain that takes it all the way to 11 and a very incompetent casting. When Mila Kunis tries to look serious, it simply doesn’t work… but when she tries to drop one-liners, it’s almost painful. Only the core premise of planets as people factory-farms or fuel to keep the vitality of the galactic rulers had some potential, but this time the Wachowskis were unable to exploit it. On the other hand, I must confess that, in its own way, this crap was actually fun. (05/03/2015)

The film was visually impressive, but that's about where the positives end. The terrible script created a storyline devoid of logic, defying the laws of physics, resulting in a chaotic compilation of moving pictures. Casting Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis in the lead roles didn't help much either. It seems like the target audience might have been children under ten, who are used to gaming violence and might appreciate a story involving flying shoes. Despite the overwhelming CGI action, I'd describe the film as a boring mess. / Lesson learned: Want to be an enthusiastic toilet cleaner? Become the owner of Earth. (06/20/2022)