Jupiter Ascending

Oh, dear Lord, that was awful. My expectations were ultra low, but this outdid them all. It's basically the most miserable variation on a harlequin Shrek: everyone wants the princess, but true love awaits in the form of a muscular dog from a dingy alley who is to take her to them (which is actually fitting for a toilet cleaner), and she finds out over time (pretty quickly, actually) that there’s less than 100 people in the glittering can and that she's totally horny. The script is from the realm of the most hellish fantasies you can have, and I don't buy at all that this duo could ever create something like the legendary Matrix. The actors clearly suffer when they have to chew through ultimate lines like: "You don't understand what that means but... I have more in common with a dog than I have with you." - "I love dogs. I've always loved dogs." And I suffered with them, writhing on the floor in pain, I was begging and pleading! Even if I had a room all pink, saved all my teen magazines from my adolescent years, and was considering lip surgery, I still couldn't have swallowed this "romance" without assistive devices. If I turned the sound off, I'd get the impression that it was a sort of bombastic, action-packed fashion arena for Mila Kunis, if you can endure watching her sour face. I'm going to reboot my brain, douse myself in liquid oxygen and goodbye, hopefully forever. (03/01/2020)

A film where, due to a completely dysfunctional narrative continuity, we often don't even know what awaits us in the next minute (which could be a big plus), but due to a catastrophically overstuffed and unbalanced script, bland characters and a chaotic depiction of everything from the setting to the motivations, we end up not caring about it. It’s hard to imagine a greater travesty that Hollywood, as a purveyor of expensive non-art entertainment with infinite expressive possibilities, from the visual to the aural, has ever produced or will. 20% (09/12/2015)

A fairy tale about how silly Honza saves a passive princess, shot from the princess's point of view. The things that are perceived as negatives here are what I enjoyed most about Jupiter Ascending. First and foremost are the erratic plot dynamics, which, while defying any precepts about how to build, structure, and develop a story, nevertheless make the development of the entire adventure quite unpredictable. They say it lacks humor. How can anyone say that about a film where in one scene we are told that the protagonist hasn't been stung by a bee in her entire life because she’s royalty, which bees can always tell, and in the next scene we’re told that Channing Tatum is the result of a cross between a wolf and a human who had his synthetic angel wings taken away as punishment? Rather, what I see behind the critical and financial debacle of Jupiter Ascending (besides being sunk by Warner’s lack of promotion and ill-timed theatrical release) is a situation where all media space has been filled with established sci-fi franchises from Star Trek to Marvel to Star Wars, and the auteur's (sic cheesy and semi-retarded) vision of an original space opera could not compete in this space with the established brands, their mammoth marketing, and the full-tilt industry accompanying it. (03/10/2021)

For me, probably the guilty pleasure of the year. The film is aesthetically unattractive, with a leading villain that takes it all the way to 11 and a very incompetent casting. When Mila Kunis tries to look serious, it simply doesn’t work… but when she tries to drop one-liners, it’s almost painful. Only the core premise of planets as people factory-farms or fuel to keep the vitality of the galactic rulers had some potential, but this time the Wachowskis were unable to exploit it. On the other hand, I must confess that, in its own way, this crap was actually fun. (05/03/2015)

The film was visually impressive, but that's about where the positives end. The terrible script created a storyline devoid of logic, defying the laws of physics, resulting in a chaotic compilation of moving pictures. Casting Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis in the lead roles didn't help much either. It seems like the target audience might have been children under ten, who are used to gaming violence and might appreciate a story involving flying shoes. Despite the overwhelming CGI action, I'd describe the film as a boring mess. / Lesson learned: Want to be an enthusiastic toilet cleaner? Become the owner of Earth. (06/20/2022)